It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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