He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
