I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
