And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
