I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
