she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
