Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize