don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
