dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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