i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
