I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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