Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
did i just pee glitter
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
