I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
