Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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