Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
