i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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