You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
