Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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