Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
