I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
