I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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