i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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