I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Your cock deserves a montage
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
