I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
