I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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