Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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