apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
