mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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