Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
