I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
