i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
