how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
