from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
