a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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