I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
