He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
