she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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