u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
