my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
