At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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