Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
