i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
