I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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