I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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