Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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