I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
