I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
