i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
