Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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