I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
