Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
