I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
