My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
