does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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