I got chris browned last night
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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