Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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