i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
