Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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