My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
sarcasm needs its own font
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
